Annette shares

Nearly two years ago, a hurting mother wrote and shared her heartache with me. Last week, she sent me a happier update. With her permission, I'm sharing her "then" and "now" letters in hopes of encouraging other hurting parents who are separated from their children....

October 2011 
Thank you so much for posting your honest feelings about your divorce situation and your then teenage son. Reading your story gave me so much hope for the future as currently, my relationship with my 16-year-old son has deteriorated to the point of almost no contact what so ever.

He's missed my birthday two years in a row. The last time I saw him was Mother's day 2011, but only because it's in the decree that he HAS to be with me on that weekend. My heart is broken. I send texts, emails, and call his cell. I rarely get a response.
 
My new life away from his dad is complicated. Like most people, I've remarried (his father did. too). My husband now is thoughtful man who is funny and great but has never been married or had kids. It's an adjustment for all of us everyday as we all get used being “blended.”

My 16-year-old lives with his father. I have physical custody of our 11-year-old son.  My ex can be cruel and knows my weaknesses very well. He makes no effort to help my 16-year-old keep in touch with me. He doesn't remind him about my birthday and seems to make it a point to schedule big fun “new-family” events, like vacations to exotic places, right around the time of my birthday so both kids forget. Then he’ll play dumb, as if he's forgotten what day my birthday is.
 
My mom, sister and my husband all think I need to get tougher with my ex and play the same kinds of games he does. But I don't see it that way. I won't use my kids the way he does or deny them mini vacations with their dad just to get back at my ex. Even though it hurts me, I am thinking of the kids. I know at least one of us HAS to be the better person. I know it's not ever going to be him so it better be me. But, of course, being the “better person'” comes with consequences–my feelings get hurt. All the time.
 
This morning when I got up and saw that my ex had sent what seems like a million texts to my now 11-year-old son (he got him a cell phone for his birthday so my 11- year-old can call him ALL the time and knows that if I complain he can get me for blocking access to his child). I got so sad.

Here I am telling my 11-year-old that he should text or call his dad, thanking him for the birthday wishes and I know that over at the other house, NONE of that ever happens on my behalf. I don't matter and in the best case scenario, they wish I didn't even exist. I miss my son so much.  I am so sad.

My 16-year-old son is a straight A student. He has lots of friends and is now involved heavily in his step-mom’s church (who, by the way, refuses to allow my kids to call her a step mom and makes them call her mom). He has his mother figure. It makes me wonder if I even matter anymore?
 
But reading your posts on the message board gives me a little glimmer of hope. Maybe in time he will feel close to me again and want to be part of my life. I certainly hope so.
 
In the meantime, I will hope and pray for better things to come. I will try and be patient, and I will try very hard to keep hope alive in my heart. I will remember your story and hope that one day, my story with Jason will have a happy ending as well.
 
Thanks so much for posting it!
Annette

September 2013 
Just wanted to send you an update about my now 18-year-old son and I.

 
On Saturday, I sent him a text, letting him know that I was thinking of him and hoped he was doing well. Since I have sent texts like this before, I wasn't expecting a reply. But I was wrong. He called me!
 
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer my phone, but he left me the nicest voice mail, updating me on his life and thanking me for attending graduation. It was so lovely to hear from him. He sounded so normal ,and it just brought me to tears. I called him back on Sunday, and we had a nice long conversation. He told me about his life now and what college he would be attending. He told me he got a job at UPS and what crazy hours he'd be working. I told him how proud I was of all that he had accomplished and what a responsible young adult he'd become. Overall, the conversation was just really lovely.
 
I think he just needed space to heal after the divorce, which is what I gave him. There was no pressure from me to reconcile or reminders of what he owed me as my child. I let that all go. I just sent the occasional text here and there. But basically I asked God to please take over this situation. Then I let go completely. And when I did, good things happened.
 
It's not all rosy yet, I am sure there will be bumps along the way and trust must be rebuilt on both sides, but it's a start.

Much love, Annette

Dear B.

I haven't ever spoken about it here, but I have another broken bond in my family. I've kept it private, and I will continue to keep the details private. But this morning, I've got to get some things out.

This broken bond, like so many you all have shared with me through the years, affects a child. He's caught in the crossfire. Because the adults in his life are angry, this child is banned from communicating with family. One of them is me.

I feel so cheated.

I feel angry.

I feel hurt.

I'd always dreamed of having a special relationship with this child. He'd come spend time with me in the summer. We'd swim in the river, play some games, look for caterpillars in the yard, have a Coke float, maybe swing in the hammock and watch lightning bugs.

That never happened.

And it never will.

He's growing up fast. 

I know because I saw photographs of him this morning.

Which triggered this hurt and anger.

He and I are both being cheated from knowing one another.

If I could, I'd write him a letter. I'd have to keep all the adult junk out of it, of course. You know, like why he's not allowed to talk to me or come see us. Why the adults in his life are angry with me and are so selfish to keep him from knowing his family. But I'd like him to know at least how much I love him. How much I've missed having him in my life. How hard I've tried to reach out to him. How proud I am of the young man he's becoming and where he's headed in life.

I miss you, B. I love you so very, very, very much. And I hope someday, when it's your choice, you'll come see me and stay a night or two. Then together, we can sit beneath the stars, and you can share your dreams with me. Finally.

November 24, 2014
Dear B.
I miss knowing you so much. Please know that. We all do. We should all be a part of each other's lives, but we're not. I can't change that or fix it. All I can do is watch you grow from a far. And that's on a very limited basis. When you can, please reach out to us. We love you!!!!!   

Longing for hope in the season of hope

Longing... looking... searching... hoping... wishing.... I couldn't quite decide which word to use for titling this post. Because they all fit. That's what we do in an estranged relationship. Long for hope. Look for hope. Search for hope. Wish for hope. Especially during the holidays, one of the most difficult times of year.

Vicki wrote me last August and shared her heart-breaking story about being separated from her grown son and his anger and resentment toward her. She asked for prayers. Last week, she wrote me again, and I asked if I could share her letter. She said yes...   

"Dear Sheryl, Thank you for posting my prayer on your prayer list for August. I have received one phone call from my son, and our conversation did not go well. My son feels that I should support him financially for all the missing years, and this broke my heart even further. He is 26 years of age and living with his father and stepmother. I have no money to give to my son, and he is fully aware of my situation.

"As I mentioned in my previous email, my ex-husband has brainwashed my son for 23 years with anger and resentment toward me and my other son. I wanted with all my heart and soul for the marriage to work so my sons could have a family. I endured so much abuse in the marriage that I had no other possible option but to leave.

"The holidays are coming up, and I cannot celebrate them due to all the pain and heartache of seeing my son after all these years who has grown into a bitter, angry young man who has no respect for me in any way. Sheryl, please enclose a prayer from my behalf to all the parents facing similar circumstances as myself.

"Thank you for your understanding and, most of all, for your website in helping many parents cope with their heartbreaking stories.

"God bless you and your family! I hope maybe one day soon my son will know the truth about me and have a beautiful, loyal, relationship like you and your wonderful son. I pray one day soon my son will see the light and understand my side of the story.

"I pray for all parents going through similar circumstances, especially with the holidays approaching.  Sincerely, Vicki"

Dear Vicki and all hurting parents, may God bless you and strengthen you and surround you with ministering angels in the coming days and new year, too. You are not alone in your pain, though I know that doesn't ease your hurt. In His time, God can and will turn your heartache into something good. Please try to find something to smile about every day, if even for a few moments. You are special. You are loved. You are meant for good and wonderful works in this life. Keep walking in Him, dear friend and friends. 

With love and many prayers in this Christmas season of hope, sheryl

The very, very worst kind of separation

Earlier this week, I received an email from Arleen, a mother who's hurting deeply. I cannot even begin to imagine her heartache. I asked if I could share her letter, and said yes....

"Please pray for me, I'm deeply depressed due to death of my youngest child, Ashley," Arleen wrote. "Ashley was 21 years old and in her second year in college. A wonderful, beautiful child, inside and out. She died of a sudden heart attack on June 24, 2012. The last time saw her beautiful eyes was the evening before, June 23rd (she did not pass at home). After that, I never saw her again."

"My heart is so broken. I have two other children and a wonderful husband and an extremely smart, wonderful, delightful three-year-old grandson. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but I miss my Ashley so very much. I know most of you are hurting because of relationship problems with your children or because they are missing. Not knowing where they are or if they're okay, I can imagine how hurtful that is, but just be thankful that they are still alive. Because once they die, it's forever. Pray that they come back to you because I know my Ashley will never come back. A mother's pain of losing one of their children has to be one of the greatest pains, a pain that I would not want to wish on anyone in the world."

Words of comfort seem so inadequate when someone's lost a loved one. If I could, I'd hug you tight and just be there, I emailed Arleen. She and I have never met in person, but that doesn't matter. Like you, she's found this blog because she's in deep pain and needs to reach out and share her hurt with others who understand in any kind of way. 

Yes, Arleen, we will hold your hand and pray for you and your family. May God bless you and strengthen you and surround you with ministering angels. You are very loved!
 

Here come the holidays. Again.

I just reread my post from last December. Sadly, nothing has changed on my own front. The family member I mentioned still shuts me out and refuses to at least try and heal our broken relationship. And I can't do a thing to change the situation (I've tried!). 

Except pray.

In the meantime, I just received an email from Dr. Joshua Coleman, an expert on estrangement. Right now, he's offering a free webinar called "Surviving the Holidays: Advice for Estranged Parents."

"Holidays can be especially difficult times for estranged parents," he wrote in his email. "So as a gift to my readers, I'm giving away my seminar HIGH RISK DAYS where I talk about how to handle the holidays."

 

Here's the link to the webinar. And if you'd like a free study guide, go here. 

Blessed holidays to you all. I feel like anything I say will so sound trite and meaningless. Because the pain can be so overwhelming. I understand. But please do try to focus on the good in your life. As much as you can, don't dwell on the pain. 

 

Instead, "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." (Philippians 4:8)

 

With love and prayers, sheryl

 

A prayer chain for the holiday season

Recently, Ginny, a mother who's contacted me through this blog and is estranged from her two teen sons, made a loving and caring suggestion, which I thought I'd share here.

"I know the holidays are coming up and I've already began praying for my household," she wrote. "I've been studying the book of Esther, and before she went before the king to begin the request on behalf of her people (Jews), she called for a three-day fast from her people throughout the king's providence. I've thought of this before, but God has really laid it on my heart to invite other mothers to participate in a fast from November 1 through Christmas. To fast something...maybe a certain time period to spend with God praying and lifting each of us up as mothers preparing for a season we probably all love but yet dread."

Toward that goal, Ginny suggested that everyone pray at 9 p.m. "Then prayers will go around the world about every hour, like a prayer chain," she wrote.

Specifically, "I am asking for strength and peace for each mother as this season draws near," Ginny wrote. "I'm asking for God to soften the hearts of our children as well as their fathers. For God to break down the walls that separate us and begin a healing and restoration process. To rebuild broken bridges that NO ONE can destroy!"

Starting today or any day, please join Ginny, me and other hurting parents who are praying each night in preparation for the holiday season, which is very often a sad and difficult time to get through. Please share this post, too. God bless you!

Finding someone who understands

Separation hurts. Especially when the other person treats you like you're dead. And what can you do? Nothing. Except pray. And find someone else who understands your pain and heartache truly.

Earlier this week, Jackie, a hurting mom, emailed and asked that I post a helpful link on Broken Bonds Healing Hearts.

"I think I found the site through you to begin with," she wrote. "In reading your Prayer wall, my heart ached for so many who have posted prayers requests. This is a great way to have others in prayer for each other. But honestly, I have found through this site on DailyStrength, that when I need support right now, it's there."

"People pray for each other openly, and there is an exchange that is unparalleled by anything else that I have found in this horrible nightmare," Jackie wrote. "Everyone feels alone and needs someone to understand. Feedback is really all I have found that has helped me, as well as prayers, yes. But feedback is the one thing that keeps us all going." 

"Please post this link for all and make it visible on your home page so it doesn't get buried in a thread. It is so vital. People are hurting, and I really felt I needed to let you know that partnering with this site could bring relief to so many. It is a Christian site, and the only real one that is monitored continually for content and remains free of so many pitfalls of other (feedback) support sites."

Thank you, Jackie, for taking the time to share and point other hurting parents to this DailyStrength site called Christian Parents of Estranged Adult Children. 

DailyStrength has a second site, too, called Parents of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere.