"Fall Apart"

This morning, I just heard this song for the first time on KLOVE, and it is POWERFUL, dear friends. Please, please listen...."Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson, and let me know what you think. Did it help you deal with the heartache of separation or other hurts in your life? It sure does me!

Bridget shares her story

Via Facebook, I received a letter yesterday from Bridget, who wanted to share her story with us. After reading what she wrote, I asked her if I could post it here in hopes of inspiring others. 

Here's Bridget's story:

"Sheryl, I read your blog and would like to share a similar story. My husband and I were married for 16 years. He was 17 and I was 16 when we got together. I had already had one son. Yeah, I know, we were young! My husband was very abusive. I tried to leave him a few times, but our five kids would cry and I had no help from anybody. So I’d go back.

As the kids got older, they noticed some of the abuse. They were victims as well. My baby boy, Terry, was my boy with heart. He was an emotional child, but after awhile he did ask me to leave. At his urging, I did, but then he turned against me! The rest of the older kids understood. We had two younger ones as well girls, six and four.

Nonetheless, when I left I tried to talk to my boy, he said he had nothing to say to me. He even told everybody that I had died. We didn’t talk for more than two years. When it was time for visitation with the rest of the kids, he’d leave so he wouldn’t have to see me.

Then after two years, he called and asked if he could come and stay the weekend! I loaded everyone up and went and got my baby. I cried all the way there! We have been close ever since. He is 22 now. He was 10 when this happened.

When my husband and I got divorced, I moved to Ohio with my mom, and I took my kids with me. The courts gave my husband rights to the boys and I got the girls (NOT RIGHT). My baby girl would always say, “Mom, would you go back to Dad?” I’d always reply, “Why would I go back to the abuse?”

For about six years, we transported our children every two weeks to the halfway point between Kentucky and Ohio. I finally decided to move back to Kentucky. In January 2007, a dear friend/uncle passed away, and the funeral was at a church.  When I walked into that church, there sat my family, whole but separated. We weren’t allowed to speak to one another because of whom we were with. My husband was with a woman who would not allow us to talk, and I had a man the same way.

In the middle of that church, standing as an unbeliever in God, I looked at my family and saw how we couldn’t comfort one another. For the first time in six years, I knew what was wrong! We were divided. For the first time, I prayed to God to fix what was wrong. I had never prayed like that before because I was an unbeliever. So much bad had happened in my life that I’d convinced myself that God wasn’t real. If He was, how could all this happen to me, both as a kid and a grown up?

As I prayed, I had no idea what was going to happen. But it tore my heart apart as I looked at my family. One son stood in the front of the church with his wife. My baby girl was in the middle by herself. My other son was in the corner with his family, and my husband was with his girlfriend. At that time, I’d actually wished her dead because I blamed her for everything.

My family couldn’t comfort one another. As I said, I prayed so hard to God to fix us because I didn’t know how. I left from there and went back to Ohio. But in three months, I moved back Kentucky and reunited with my husband. My family was back together! But a lot of damage had been done.

In May of 2008, my husband and I were saved and remarried, two unbelievers in church for the first time, saved and baptized. My kids are all grown now except one. She’s 14. I can see the damage all this has caused to our children. But I am a Christian now so I know without a doubt that God will continue to heal the hurts.

A friend told me to write a journal or book about us because it truly is of God that we are back together and I’m in church, despite my sad past. My husband is no longer abusive. Why? Because our then seven-year-old daughter prayed for three years to get her mom and dad back together. And God answered her prayers.

Also, I believe the death of a very sweet man brought us back together because God can use anything, everything, and people, too, to be a light and show us what is wrong and where we need to be in life." 

THANK YOU SO MUCH, BRIDGET!!! Yes, God works everything together for His Good!

Love, sheryl

A testimony from someone who's been there, too

Just awhile ago, I found this wonderful, encouraging comment on this blog left by Kelly McCormick. Thank you so much, Kelly! Now I'd like to share your thoughts and insights more fully by re-posting it here. That's what I'd like this blog to be–a place of sharing and caring for one another. Like you, Kelly, I searched for someone, too, who truly understood my heartache.....

"My story gives hope to the hurting mothers out there who wonder when if it will ever be over. I was estranged from my son for 12 years. I'm here to tell you that reconciliation happens...regardless of how long the separation. 

Like so many others, I didn't see it coming. My son, daughter, and I were very close. I had been in a difficult marriage for many years, and I officially ended the marriage. The divorce was very reasonable; there was nothing much to divide so we did it all through a paralegal. I had custody of our two children and my ex had visitation. 

My 11-year-son started to be angry and rebellious towards me. Soon, he told me that he wanted to live with his father. I agreed because I thought it would be temporary and that he would "learn his lesson" and return home a more humble boy. I was wrong. The rift deepened, and I couldn't seem to regain footing. 

Over the years, I tried everything from counseling to begging my ex to persuade him, to confronting my son, meeting with his teachers, meeting with adolescent experts...everything. Like so many, I tried anything and everything, over and over again. I had turned from God during my divorce because the Bible said it was wrong to divorce and I decided to get one anyhow. The situation with my son felt like God's punishment. I was truly heartbroken and could hardly get out of bed some days. Although I didn't think of suicide, I knew that I wouldn't fight death if given the option. 

I searched for books or stories of other women in similar situations and couldn't find any (the Internet has come a long way). I couldn't comprehend how we had gone from a very close relationship to completely estranged. I was worried sick about my son's well-being. I believed that I must be a bad mother because I couldn't protect my child and I couldn't find anybody else who experienced this. I was deeply ashamed and became withdrawn. 

As the years went by, I continued to ask questions and do deep soul searching that led me to some wonderful places. What could I learn from this? How can I have peace? What do I need to see about me? How can I grow? How do I forgive myself? How do I forgive others who played a role? Who is God anyhow? 

The questions led me to beautiful places I couldn't have dreamed of. There was a lot in the middle, but the rift ended as suddenly as it started. It was not the result of a new trick, profound advice, or slick technique. Now that I have some perspective (we've been reconciled for about three years), I believe it changed when my heart was right; when I truly accepted and felt grateful for the whole ride. I did not do a thing. 

Out of the blue, my daughter told me that my son was moving to Houston from Los Angele, and it was happening next week. Through my daughter, he agreed to come to my husband's and my house for a family dinner. His only stipulation was that he did not want to talk about the past. We have been building our relationship since then and I have honored his request. 

There is so much more to tell and so much is difficult to put into words. My main message is that I am living proof that there's reason for hope. I also agree with the other posts that demanding answers sent me backwards rather than forwards. Now, I am in the joyful place of asking what I can do to help other mothers (and fathers) who are in similar situations. I hope that commenting on this post is encouraging to somebody out there."

To my hurting friends

Just now, I got up from the floor, where I'd been reading through your prayer requests in my Prayer Book (there are 20), and went straight to my computer to write this. I wanted you each to know that I lifted you in prayer and asked God to be with you and heal your broken bonds and hearts. You are in my thoughts every day.

Please let me know how you're each doing. 

With love and hope,
sheryl

Mother's Day....

 I feel as if a part of me is missing.

A hurting mother wrote me that this week. She wanted to know how I got through Mother's Day. And I've been thinking about that these past few days. How did I? I just got through it. But not without a lot of hurt, anger, frustration, resentment...all those emotions and more. I just felt so cheated!

I know so many mothers who are separated and/or estranged from their children. Some of those mothers are very close to me. One left town so she could get away from memories and breathe. Another mother I know is strong, too, and bears her pain without saying much. And then I think of all the mothers who've lost children through miscarriages and death. Mothers who gave up their children at birth. Mothers who don't even know where their children are. They'll all be hurting tomorrow, too.

You know, a long time ago, someone created Mother's Day with good intentions. But for a lot of us, the day only brings heartache. My heart goes out to you all, and I'll be lifting you in prayer all weekend.

So, yes, it's true what that dear hurting mother wrote me. There IS a part of you–a huge part–that's missing when your children aren't in your life. We are MOTHERS, so strongly tied to the children that we nurtured and raised. We love them. No matter what.

This past week, I don't know why but that Bible promise–"Her children will rise up and call her blessed" (Proverbs 31:28)–has been in my head. Maybe it's because of Mother's Day getting close. Or maybe it's because God is bolstering me as I deal with issues in my own life right now. But I do believe that when we as Christian women and mothers continue to cling to God and live according to His ways, even when we ache and want to give up, He will bless us. What's more, He will keep that promise in Proverbs, and it will happen. Maybe not tomorrow or next year or even 10 years from now. But someday our children will understand and accept the truth and see the true Godly women that we were and continue to be. Even when there are huge parts of us missing.

God bless you all. Please be easy on yourself this Mother's Day. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell. If you need to talk, talk. It's okay to feel anything and everything your heart is feeling. Just get through the day, and remember this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And God will work everything together for His good.

In the meantime, here's a thought: if you can, reach out to another hurting mother on Mother's Day. Call her, pay her a visit or surprise her with a gift. When we minister to others, the ache in our own hearts lightens.

With lots and lots of love and prayers,
sheryl

Sometimes you have to keep trying

I think every day about writing you. But then I don't. I just don't know what to say....

The other night, I wrote an e-mail that I'd been putting off. When someone won't respond to your efforts to reach out, it's so difficult to keep trying. When my son and I were estranged, I experienced that over and over and over again. I'd reach out, he'd refuse to respond, and I'd pull back, full of frustration and even a bit of anger. I'd tell myself, well, that's it, I won't try again! But then I would. I just couldn't give up. And like I wrote in a comment on this blog recently, I can look back on those sad years and at least know in my heart that I never gave up. I kept trying.

Now I have other broken bonds in my life. Once again, I feel the same "what's the point of trying?" frustration. In that e-mail I wrote the other night to this loved one, I was honest when I said I think every day about writing. But something always held me back. Finally, though, I sat down in front of my computer and wrote.

I didn't expect a reply. And so far, one hasn't come.

That's where the part about "Give it all to God" comes in. I have to keep doing my part--reaching out, even when I don't want to--and let God handle the rest. In His time, He will heal this broken bond. I just have to be patient.

And that's the hard part. 

Give it all to God

Sometimes, that's all you can do. Give up and give the situation to God. When there's no understanding, few lines of communication, anger and hurt. I want so very much to fix the relationships, but sometimes my attempts only worsen the separation. It's even hard to talk to God. Why bother? Nothing changes. It's hard, too, not to feel guilty for not continuing to try and heal the wounds. But when my attempts fail and make matters worse, then I have to give up even that.

Let go, and let God.....

Okay, God, show me what to do... Tell me how to handle this.... And please take away from own anger and frustration. 

Please heal these broken bonds.