Advice on surviving Mother's Day

Every week or so, I receive emails The Coleman Report, which offers advice on parenting and relationships from Dr. Joshua Coleman in San Francisco. If you go to his website, you can find out more about the web seminars that he offers on on parental estrangement and other parenting issues. 

This week, his report addressed Mother's Day, a hard day for many hurting mothers who are separated from their children:

Holidays such as Mother's Day present special challenges for parents who have been cut off by their grown children. What should I say to my friends or co-workers when they ask about my children or grandchildren? How do I deal with memories of the past when we were still close? How do I forgive myself for whatever ways I blame myself, rightly or wrongly, for the estrangement? How do I cope with my intense feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness?The following suggestions are written with Mother's Day in mind:

 

What do I say when people ask about my children or grandchildren?

First of all, you don't owe anyone any kind of response. If you're talking to someone who you're either not close to or who doesn't know your situation, feel free to give a short, vague response and change the subject. Some people find it helpful to decide exactly what they're going to say before going to a party or anywhere else where they're likely to be asked about their children or grandchildren. If it's someone who you're close to and you don't want to talk about it, say, "Thank you for asking. Hasn't changed much and it's hard for me to talk about so I'd rather not. I'm sure you understand." If they push, I would repeat the above statement again.

How do I deal with memories of the past when we were still close?

Positive memories of the past don't always feel positive. In fact, most estranged parents feel as tormented by the good memories as they do by the painful ones. However positive memories can be useful reminders that despite however miserably you're being treated now, and whatever your regrets, you were a good parent and no one can take that away from you.

How do I forgive myself for whatever ways I blame myself, rightly or wrongly, for the estrangement?

This is an ongoing struggle for many parents, especially those who believe that they deserve a lot of the blame for their child's estrangement. If you did make mistakes, and every parent does, and you have made a serious attempt at making amends, then it's time to forgive yourself and move on. Ongoing guilt and regret can be unconscious ways to punish yourself unnecessarily. Those feelings can make it hard to engage in the kinds of activities that make life meaningful such as hobbies, exercise, and time with people who love you and see you more clearly than your child does.

How do I cope with my intense feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness?

The most important action is to get support and not to isolate. If you haven't yet visited the When Parents Hurt forum at my website, go there now and post something. It's a wonderful group of supportive and caring people and I am constantly touched by people's kindness and empathy. While I don't typically respond, I do read every post. And while people don't always respond to every post, most of the time they do.

It's also important that you work on developing self-compassion. Psychologist Kristin Neff has a great site developed on the topic of self-compassion. You can find it at http://www.self-compassion.org.

  

A father shares

Last week, I received an update from a father who's reached out to us for prayers and support. With his permission, I'm sharing his recent frustrations and links to information that he's found helpful. He's hoping this info might help other hurting parents.

Here's his update:

"I have tried a lot of different things in regards to my children.  I have not really seen my children Since Nov 22nd. I have had seven visits in all the rest were blocked by the supervisor  that my wife appointed.  I have been going to their schools and dropping off notes and birthday presents. In all of the visits, the boys would look at the floor and ignore anything I said.

My wife got an ex-parte order so I didn't get to represent myself in court. My lawyer told me there was nothing I could do. That wasn't right; I should have demanded  a trial within seven days. I fired that attorney. I have found that in a civil matter you are guilty until you can prove yourself innocent. I got a guardian ad litem involved–he has been a God send for me. I was granted visits with my children on a regular basis. The only problem with this is they won't talk to me. I have not done anything to make them behave this way. I had a great relationship with my boys. Now it is nothing, and I am public enemy no1.

I have been looking for answers. I found the answer with the help of the guardian ad litem (Children's Attorney).

I want to give you this link. I think this  may be what is happening for many people who visit the website in varying degrees.  It may help them. It can be done by either parent to the other.  It is called parental alienation syndrome. See Parents who have successfully fought parental alientation syndrome and Family Wars: The Alienation of Children."

A photo

My son and me in 2012.

When parents hurt

Back when my son shut me out, I couldn't find anyone to the same situation or resources on estrangement. Nowadays, the Internet has lots of forums, blogs and websites, some of which I've mentioned here on this site. The number one expert on the subject seems to be Dr. Joshua Coleman,  co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families and a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. On his website, you can access links to televisions interviews, articles, forums and his book, When Parents Hurt.

A minute ago, I watched his interview on The Today Show (December 2007) with Al Roker and Hoda Kotb. According to Dr. Coleman, parental estrangement from children of any age is a "silent epidemic" because many parents feel shame. If their kids refuse to talk to them, then they must have done something terrible? That's may be the feeling, but it's certainly not true in every case.

The biggest cause of estrangement, Dr. Coleman says, is divorce. "Sometimes kids often feel loyal to one parent or the other," he told Roker and Hoda. Or "one parent tries to poison the children's feelings about the other...."

To help heal the broken bond, Coleman advises parents to:

1. Take responsibility. Apologize sincerely for whatever you may have done wrong.

2. Stay in the game. Don't give up on the relationship!

3. Get support.


For more thoughts and information on estrangement, read "When the Ties That Bind Unravel," by Tara Parker-Pope with the New York Times.

In the meantime, I've gotten an e-mail from a hurting parent on our Prayer List whose two of three estranged children are beginning to thaw! Praise God!

Christmas can hurt

It's a difficult time of year, these Christmas days. Yes, my son and I have reunited, and we share a close relationship now. But I won't see him Christmas. It's for a good reason, though–because he's forging his own life! 

Sadly, estrangement within families seems to be very common nowadays. Talk to anyone, and they'll mention s0-and-so who hasn't called or visited in years. Or maybe bonds have been severed for deeper reasons. It doesn't matter–the hurt's just the same. Even now, I deal with it, too, but with a different family member (not my children). This person treats me like I'm dead. I've just had to let go and let God. I can't fix the broken bond, though I've tried. So has my mother. It saddens me because life is so very short. We're here for just a short time. And even that's iffy....any day can be our last. All I can do is keep praying and ask God to heal the relationship in His time. 

If you've found your way to this blog because of separation and pain within your own life, please know that you are not alone. Even though Christmas is "suppose" to be that JOYOUS time of year, it's just not. My heart goes out to you, friend. Please e-mail me if you need someone to share with. Wherever and whoever you are, I've asked God to bless and strengthen you as you read this post.

In His Love,
sheryl

Thanksgiving digizine

I recently found out that Guideposts magazine re-published my article, "Mom, Interrupted," in a special Thanksgiving online magazine. It's a very nice publication that includes many reprints from past Guideposts issues. Check it out!

My son offers his advice

Mom's been after me for awhile to share my thoughts on our blog. Here I am, finally. She told me that she's been asked several times by readers about how I felt during our separation and what she could have done differently to help heal our relationship. She believes that what I went through, too, can help other parents and kids. I hope so.

First, I'd tell parents to give your kids space. Lots of it.

The more Mom pressured me back then, the angrier I'd feel. Her pushing even seemed to accelerate my anger. It sure didn't help me. What I needed most was time and space to understand and process everything that had happened. I remember how infuriated I'd feel after I heard she'd contacted the lady I worked for.

See, I'd had a vision of The Perfect Familly, and that was us. Then one night, it was all taken away. The loss was a substantial blow to me. I felt so angry. I was in the house where Lindsey, my sister, and I had grown up. It was the physical boundary that had held our family. When Mom left, she left our "tribe," so to speak. Afterward, she'd e-mail me or call like crazy. I eventually blocked her e-mails, and that actually made me feel good. Real good. She was the one who wanted to leave so why was she still trying to contact me? When I blocked her e-mails, it was like shutting the door behind her. That felt great.

At the time, I really wanted the space, and Mom eventually gave it to me. Later, she e-mailed me again, using a different address, but she wasn't as aggressive as she'd been before. She came across less desperate and frantic. Which helped me feel a lot less pressured. So later on, when she invited me and one of my friends over for supper, I accepted. With my friend there, I felt less awkward.

In a nutshell, that's the main thing I'd tell parents: back off and give your kid plenty of space. E-mail and text them occasionally. Give them time to process the anger and pain that they're dealing with. They'll come back to you. When they're ready.