Thursday, January 12, 2017

Advice to a hurting mom

Any advice for a mom who's been divorced for three years and her 22-year-old son won't speak to her? 
–babygirl via email January 6

Dear Babygirl:

My heart goes out to you! You're in a dark, painful place. I am so very sorry that your son has chosen to shut you out of his life, the woman who has nurtured and loved him since his very first breath. I suspect he's angry because you divorced his father. As mothers, we unconditionally love our children, no matter what. It's a love from our hearts that our children won't be able to truly understand until they experience it for themselves.

 Do I have any advice? I'll try....

Let go It's hard. I know! But you must let go of your son as best you can. You can't control him. Nothing you say or do will change his mind. Only he will return to you when he's ready. And when he does re-connect, allow time for healing. It may be awkward between the two of you in the beginning until you settle into a new normal. Be patient. (Ha, easy to say, right?)

Keep praying That said, don't give up! Let go and give your son to God. Then, in Jesus' precious name, earnestly pray that God restores the relationship between you and your son (Matt. 21: 22). At the same time, also earnestly pray for God's will (Matt. 26:39). God knows our desires. But He also wants us to share them with Him.

Care for yourself Find happiness wherever you can. Have fun at doing something you enjoy! Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over the past (I'm still working on that one). Believe that you were and still are a good mom. If you weren't, you wouldn't feel so empty without your son in your life. Right?

Be loved Surround yourself with friends and family who love you. I pray you have one close, devoted confidant (your mother or maybe new husband?) who will listen whenever you need to talk and share and unload and maybe cry. Someone who won't judge and simply just LISTEN (hugs are nice, too). We all need that.

Reach out Do send kind and loving notes, emails, and/or texts occasionally to your son. Don't pressure him in any way. Just let him know that you love him.

Be thankful Back when my son refused to speak to me, I'd nearly given up all hope. Then my pastor at the time said behind the pulpit that we as Christians should thank God for what He's already given us instead of asking for things we wanted. 

From then on, as soon as I opened my eyes each morning, I started thanking God. Thank you, Lord, for another day. Thank you for my parents. Thank you for my son. Thank you for my daughter. Thank you, Lord, for this home.... 

Not long after that, my son began to soften toward me. Babygirl, I'm not promising that your son will magically change his heart toward you if you begin each day with gratitude. But YOUR heart will begin to experience healing. 

This is rare for me, to answer an email via a blog post. But your simple question is one that I believe many hurting parents ask every day. In His name, I pray that somehow, even in a tiny way, the words within this post bless you and other readers who need encouragement. Estrangement within families hurts. I know. I understand.

May God bless and strengthen you and give you wisdom each and every day, babygirl. Keep me posted! 

With love and prayers, 


  1. This is great. If I wouldn't have read the question on top I would have thought it was written to me. I've been divorced 3 years. My son at almost 17 ran away from home 3 times. Ended up in foster care. Where he turned 18 and ever since refuses to see or speak to me. Our final visit was July 31 2016. I miss him everyday. I pray someday he finds a spot in his heart and his life for me again.

  2. Sweet friend, I am so sorry for your heartache. You and your son are in my prayers and heart. Thank you for sharing. May God bless and comfort you and give you peace. With love and prayers, sheryl

  3. My daughters have turned abusive of me and to protect myself, I left them. They are on their own and high achievers. Our difficulty is over their wanting me to be around their biological father who I divorced in 1986. I want to never see him again because he left us in the street years ago and never made up for his abuse toward us. There is much more. I cannot accept their love of this man while abusing me?? In deep pain for over 20 years.

  4. Dear Anonymous: It is very difficult to understand the love that children can have for abusive parents. My heart goes out to you. Can you privately email me?