What if.........

This past week, I received a letter from a hurting mother in South Africa. Her son has turned against her, and her heart is broken. Would I pray for her? 

Thank you for reaching out to me across the miles and trusting me with your pain, I wrote back. Yes, I will pray for you, your family, and your son. It seems that Satan is breaking up so many families these days, near and far. That's part of his plan in his war against God.  

It's true, you know. Satan HATES God with a mighty vengeance, and one crafty way to battle against Him is to shake and destroy the very foundation of the people who love and worship Him–the family. I have witnessed that within my own life and in the lives of those around me. I've read about the ongoing destruction in the painful stories that come in emails from wounded people, mostly women, who find this blog. I am touched, humbled, and honored every time someone reaches out to me. Yes, I will pray for you, I tell each one.

If only we would restore to God. As a nation. As a people. 

For a moment, I'd like to play the What If game. 

What if....

Men everywhere gave their hearts and lives completely to God. What if they put Him first in every way. What if, in their marriages and every facet of their lives, they lived unto God, read His Word, and led their families as true men of God. What if they cherished their wives, treated them gently with words of love, compassion, and understanding, no matter what, and respected them as women and human beings. What if they loved their wives with an unconditional love that mirrors the kind of love that God has for each of us. What if they shunned the ways of the world, such as pornography, alcohol, drugs, affairs, and other temptations. What if they loved their children with all their hearts and raised them with firm yet gentle discipline. What if they set the example of how Godly, loving husbands, fathers, and men are to live. 

Oh, yes, they'd still make mistakes. They wouldn't be perfect by any means. Their marriages would still be rocky at times. They'd be unhappy. So would their wives. But their mutual love, respect, and commitment would ward off destruction of their bond.

If that were the case, if men gave their hearts to God and loved their wives as God intended, then wives would feel that love and respond back. Their children would see their parents' love and feel secure within their family circle. They would grow and flourish, then transition from childhood into adulthood, and begin their own lives, choose their own mates.

Sounds too naive, too pie-in-the-sky, right?

But just think about it and play What If with me.

If more marriages were rooted in God's ways, then there'd be far fewer divorces AND FEWER HURTING PEOPLE WOUNDED BY THE PAIN OF SPLIT MARRIAGES.

I speak from my own experience and from observing the pain of others I know and from those who have written to me via this blog.

God knew what He was doing when he set out His divine guidelines for marriage in Ephesians 5:21-33.

In my former life, I was often reminded that "wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands...." If I called myself a Christian, he'd ask me, then why didn't I abide by that commandment? But what he didn't get and didn't do was the huge part about "husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it."

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if he'd lived his life as a true man of God, then I believe our marriage would have remained intact. Our children wouldn't have been deeply scarred by a divorce. Nor would we have been wounded as well. 

Don't get me wrong–I definitely wasn't perfect myself. 

These are not easy words to write. 

But they are true.

My What if fantasizing doesn't include all cases of estrangement. By no means at all! There are many exceptions. Like the South African woman who wrote me this week. Her son has turned against his family's traditional ways and broken her heart by refusing to speak to her. I understand there are very different circumstances everywhere. But still, fundamentally, I stand by my What if thoughts. 

Perhaps your thoughts are different. Or perhaps they're much the same. Either way, if you are here, reading this blog, then you are hurting in some way. And my heart goes out to you, dear friend. Please give your pain to God and ask Him for strength, wisdom and guidance. The wounds of divorce run deep and never completely go away. They ripple out and impact the coming years, though in less painful ways.

I am very, very happy now with my new husband, who  loves and cherishes me as God does. My son and daughter are finding their own way and happiness in their lives. I hope and pray very much that you do, too.   
  

Dear B.

Happy birthday today! I'm thinking of you! Before noon, I tried calling your house to tell you that (we haven't spoken in such a long, long time),  but no one answered, and I wasn't able to leave a message.

B., I wish so much that things were different. That we could have a relationship and build memories. Please know that there's nothing I can do to change that. I tried, and it's out of my control.

In the meantime, you're growing up! You've got such a bright future ahead, B. I hear about your accomplishments now and then. Good for you! I'm so proud of you!

This is short. Maybe you'll read this. Maybe you won't. But I had to try in some kind of way to reach out. To tell you that I love you, that I think of you so often, and that I wish you a very happy, happy birthday.

With love, me 

A Glowing Reunion

Christmas blessings to you all. If you're here, then you're hurting, and I'm truly, truly sorry for your pain and suffering. I know. I understand. Please just know that you are not alone. God loves you, and He knows everything and more about what you're going through. Still, I know firsthand that even that divine truth cannot dull a heartache. Even when we try to let go and give our hurts completely to Him. We are human, and we hurt when those we love so deeply cut us out of their lives and toss us away like rags. Why can't they forgive and let go of their own anger long enough to allow healing? Why can't they see how precious and fragile life is and that someone we cherish can be gone in a fleeting moment? 

Here is a Christmas story that I helped write for Guideposts The Joys of Christmas 2014. God bless you, friends, and keep you tight within His arms, today and always.

Estrangement hurts, no matter the time of year

Here comes Thanksgiving. Next comes Christmas. I've already heard some people say how much they dread the holidays. For them, what used to be a wonderful time of the year has turned into painful remembrances of family times before. I feel some of that, too. Once upon a time, my former husband, our two children, and I hosted Christmas in our home. My parents came. So did my bachelor uncle. Another uncle, his wife and their sons did, too. We shared Christmas Day dinner and presents by the tree. One year, the guys "smoked" grapevines. My son will never forget that.

But those days are gone. Our divorce put a knife in future shared holidays. The knife went into our kids, too. Even though they're both grown, now they don't have their childhood "home" any more with both their parents there. It's Mom's house. Or Dad's house. 

Add estrangement to the holidays, and it REALLY....what's a nice word?.....STINKS. Last week, I received this heart-breaking letter from a woman who found this blog. With her permission, I'm sharing it with you so you, too, can pray for her and all the hurting people who are separated for whatever reason from the ones they love.

Dear Sheryl;

I need prayer help for my entire family. My family consists of my mother, my daughter and son-in-law, six brothers, and two half-sisters.  My siblings and I experienced much abuse and sadness for most of our childhood. My father passed away five years ago. My mother abandoned all of her children in the early 1980s and doesn't acknowledge any of us in any way, like we don't exist. 

 

I have been praying for my mother for years. I want her to find peace and love. She is 74 and does not believe in God. I truly want my mother to feel love, blessings, healing, joy, and good will. I know I need much help with my prayer requests, as I cannot do this alone any more. 

 

My entire family needs prayer, healing, forgiveness, and love. I hope you will join me in prayer to save my family members from over 30 years of hurt and pain. It's time for forgiveness and healing.

 

Bless you all for helping my family. Tammie

My brother and me with our little cousins, Christmas 1967.

With time healing can come

Now and then, we receive prayer requests from hurting parents, mostly mothers, via this blog. Recently, Cindy, a mom who's contacted me numerous times about her estranged teen son, wrote me a positive update. 

With her permission, I'm sharing here to give you hope:

"Sheryl, I just got back from Reno, Nevada, where my son goes to school. I must say, everything you told me is true! It does change. And I am thanking the Lord everyday that my son and I have a relationship once again. I want you to know that a MOM should never give up and always have faith in the ones they love! It's hard being so far away from him, but at the same time, I am so very proud of him."

Praise God! Thank you so much for sharing, Cindy!

Writing an "I'm sorry" letter

Dr. Joshua Coleman in San Francisco specializes in family estrangement issues. I get updates and info by email regularly. Now and then, I like to share what he sends out, like this recent advice on writing a "letter of amends."

According to Dr. Coleman, the most important ingredients of a letter are:

• Make a fearlessly honest admission of your mistakes to your child. Leave out the reasons, justifications, or any other detail that makes it sound like he or she has no right to complain.
  
  
• Express heartfelt empathy for how your child may have felt in response to your behavior.
  
  
• Avoid responding to your child's anger or sadness by defending yourself. There are times to provide the reasons for your behavior or choices, but not in the act of making amends.

• Express gratitude to your child, both at the beginning and at the end of making amends, for taking the time to hear you out.
  
  
• Let your child know that you are open to talking about this again whenever he or she wants in the future. 
  
  
  "I understand that some of you may have already tried to make amends," he says. "But most of the time when people feel like they're written a good letter of amends, they actually haven't. Not because they didn't want to. But because it's really difficult to do!"

Annette shares

Nearly two years ago, a hurting mother wrote and shared her heartache with me. Last week, she sent me a happier update. With her permission, I'm sharing her "then" and "now" letters in hopes of encouraging other hurting parents who are separated from their children....

October 2011 
Thank you so much for posting your honest feelings about your divorce situation and your then teenage son. Reading your story gave me so much hope for the future as currently, my relationship with my 16-year-old son has deteriorated to the point of almost no contact what so ever.

He's missed my birthday two years in a row. The last time I saw him was Mother's day 2011, but only because it's in the decree that he HAS to be with me on that weekend. My heart is broken. I send texts, emails, and call his cell. I rarely get a response.
 
My new life away from his dad is complicated. Like most people, I've remarried (his father did. too). My husband now is thoughtful man who is funny and great but has never been married or had kids. It's an adjustment for all of us everyday as we all get used being “blended.”

My 16-year-old lives with his father. I have physical custody of our 11-year-old son.  My ex can be cruel and knows my weaknesses very well. He makes no effort to help my 16-year-old keep in touch with me. He doesn't remind him about my birthday and seems to make it a point to schedule big fun “new-family” events, like vacations to exotic places, right around the time of my birthday so both kids forget. Then he’ll play dumb, as if he's forgotten what day my birthday is.
 
My mom, sister and my husband all think I need to get tougher with my ex and play the same kinds of games he does. But I don't see it that way. I won't use my kids the way he does or deny them mini vacations with their dad just to get back at my ex. Even though it hurts me, I am thinking of the kids. I know at least one of us HAS to be the better person. I know it's not ever going to be him so it better be me. But, of course, being the “better person'” comes with consequences–my feelings get hurt. All the time.
 
This morning when I got up and saw that my ex had sent what seems like a million texts to my now 11-year-old son (he got him a cell phone for his birthday so my 11- year-old can call him ALL the time and knows that if I complain he can get me for blocking access to his child). I got so sad.

Here I am telling my 11-year-old that he should text or call his dad, thanking him for the birthday wishes and I know that over at the other house, NONE of that ever happens on my behalf. I don't matter and in the best case scenario, they wish I didn't even exist. I miss my son so much.  I am so sad.

My 16-year-old son is a straight A student. He has lots of friends and is now involved heavily in his step-mom’s church (who, by the way, refuses to allow my kids to call her a step mom and makes them call her mom). He has his mother figure. It makes me wonder if I even matter anymore?
 
But reading your posts on the message board gives me a little glimmer of hope. Maybe in time he will feel close to me again and want to be part of my life. I certainly hope so.
 
In the meantime, I will hope and pray for better things to come. I will try and be patient, and I will try very hard to keep hope alive in my heart. I will remember your story and hope that one day, my story with Jason will have a happy ending as well.
 
Thanks so much for posting it!
Annette

September 2013 
Just wanted to send you an update about my now 18-year-old son and I.

 
On Saturday, I sent him a text, letting him know that I was thinking of him and hoped he was doing well. Since I have sent texts like this before, I wasn't expecting a reply. But I was wrong. He called me!
 
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer my phone, but he left me the nicest voice mail, updating me on his life and thanking me for attending graduation. It was so lovely to hear from him. He sounded so normal ,and it just brought me to tears. I called him back on Sunday, and we had a nice long conversation. He told me about his life now and what college he would be attending. He told me he got a job at UPS and what crazy hours he'd be working. I told him how proud I was of all that he had accomplished and what a responsible young adult he'd become. Overall, the conversation was just really lovely.
 
I think he just needed space to heal after the divorce, which is what I gave him. There was no pressure from me to reconcile or reminders of what he owed me as my child. I let that all go. I just sent the occasional text here and there. But basically I asked God to please take over this situation. Then I let go completely. And when I did, good things happened.
 
It's not all rosy yet, I am sure there will be bumps along the way and trust must be rebuilt on both sides, but it's a start.

Much love, Annette