When parents hurt

Back when my son shut me out, I couldn't find anyone to the same situation or resources on estrangement. Nowadays, the Internet has lots of forums, blogs and websites, some of which I've mentioned here on this site. The number one expert on the subject seems to be Dr. Joshua Coleman,  co-chair of the Council on Contemporary Families and a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. On his website, you can access links to televisions interviews, articles, forums and his book, When Parents Hurt.

A minute ago, I watched his interview on The Today Show (December 2007) with Al Roker and Hoda Kotb. According to Dr. Coleman, parental estrangement from children of any age is a "silent epidemic" because many parents feel shame. If their kids refuse to talk to them, then they must have done something terrible? That's may be the feeling, but it's certainly not true in every case.

The biggest cause of estrangement, Dr. Coleman says, is divorce. "Sometimes kids often feel loyal to one parent or the other," he told Roker and Hoda. Or "one parent tries to poison the children's feelings about the other...."

To help heal the broken bond, Coleman advises parents to:

1. Take responsibility. Apologize sincerely for whatever you may have done wrong.

2. Stay in the game. Don't give up on the relationship!

3. Get support.


For more thoughts and information on estrangement, read "When the Ties That Bind Unravel," by Tara Parker-Pope with the New York Times.

In the meantime, I've gotten an e-mail from a hurting parent on our Prayer List whose two of three estranged children are beginning to thaw! Praise God!

Christmas can hurt

It's a difficult time of year, these Christmas days. Yes, my son and I have reunited, and we share a close relationship now. But I won't see him Christmas. It's for a good reason, though–because he's forging his own life! 

Sadly, estrangement within families seems to be very common nowadays. Talk to anyone, and they'll mention s0-and-so who hasn't called or visited in years. Or maybe bonds have been severed for deeper reasons. It doesn't matter–the hurt's just the same. Even now, I deal with it, too, but with a different family member (not my children). This person treats me like I'm dead. I've just had to let go and let God. I can't fix the broken bond, though I've tried. So has my mother. It saddens me because life is so very short. We're here for just a short time. And even that's iffy....any day can be our last. All I can do is keep praying and ask God to heal the relationship in His time. 

If you've found your way to this blog because of separation and pain within your own life, please know that you are not alone. Even though Christmas is "suppose" to be that JOYOUS time of year, it's just not. My heart goes out to you, friend. Please e-mail me if you need someone to share with. Wherever and whoever you are, I've asked God to bless and strengthen you as you read this post.

In His Love,
sheryl

Thanksgiving digizine

I recently found out that Guideposts magazine re-published my article, "Mom, Interrupted," in a special Thanksgiving online magazine. It's a very nice publication that includes many reprints from past Guideposts issues. Check it out!

My son offers his advice

Mom's been after me for awhile to share my thoughts on our blog. Here I am, finally. She told me that she's been asked several times by readers about how I felt during our separation and what she could have done differently to help heal our relationship. She believes that what I went through, too, can help other parents and kids. I hope so.

First, I'd tell parents to give your kids space. Lots of it.

The more Mom pressured me back then, the angrier I'd feel. Her pushing even seemed to accelerate my anger. It sure didn't help me. What I needed most was time and space to understand and process everything that had happened. I remember how infuriated I'd feel after I heard she'd contacted the lady I worked for.

See, I'd had a vision of The Perfect Familly, and that was us. Then one night, it was all taken away. The loss was a substantial blow to me. I felt so angry. I was in the house where Lindsey, my sister, and I had grown up. It was the physical boundary that had held our family. When Mom left, she left our "tribe," so to speak. Afterward, she'd e-mail me or call like crazy. I eventually blocked her e-mails, and that actually made me feel good. Real good. She was the one who wanted to leave so why was she still trying to contact me? When I blocked her e-mails, it was like shutting the door behind her. That felt great.

At the time, I really wanted the space, and Mom eventually gave it to me. Later, she e-mailed me again, using a different address, but she wasn't as aggressive as she'd been before. She came across less desperate and frantic. Which helped me feel a lot less pressured. So later on, when she invited me and one of my friends over for supper, I accepted. With my friend there, I felt less awkward.

In a nutshell, that's the main thing I'd tell parents: back off and give your kid plenty of space. E-mail and text them occasionally. Give them time to process the anger and pain that they're dealing with. They'll come back to you. When they're ready.

Doing the right thing

Since starting this blog last January, I've received many e-mails from hurting people, mostly mothers who've left their marriages, sometimes remarried but who've all lost relationships with some or all of their children. One sad father shared his story about being estranged from his three children. In many of the letters, the writers tell me how they try so hard not to put their former spouse down but that the effort is not returned. I realize I hear only one side of their stories, but I tend to believe them. Just this week, a mother wrote me and said everyone in her life encourages her to "get tough with her ex husband...and play the same games. But I don't feel the same way." I wrote back and told her that she was handling everything right, even though it's very difficult to be the bigger person when all you want to do is strike right back.

Sometimes I wish I could ask those former spouses how they treat and regard their own mothers. Do they love their mother deeply? Would they protect her, help her, no matter what? Do they honor her memory if she's already passed on? Then why can't former spouses see and understand that they're belittling and disrepecting someone ELSE's mother? That mother happens to be the mother of the very children they say THEY LOVE so very deeply. Sad, eh? I wish they could realize how much they hurt their children when they hurt their children's other parent.

Awhile ago, I looked around some more on the Internet and found a book written by Dr. Joshua Coleman, When Parents Hurt. He's also got a forum where people can post and share. I haven't spent much time reading posts, but the little I saw mirrored the letters I receive.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Above all, I wish I could so much more for each and every one of you who write. But please know that I do pray for you and keep you in my heart. God DOES answer prayer. In His Time.


UPDATE

A few minutes of yesterday's "Dr. Phil" show, "Exes Behaving Badly" (Oct. 27, 2011), touched on what I tried so hard to express above.....

Mark posted an online ad that compared his ex-wife, Sabrina, to the used car he was trying to sell.

Dr. Phil: 'This was my latest way to get back at my soon-to-be ex-wife.' But let me change that sentence. What you were basically saying is 'This is the latest way to hurt my children's mother. If I can win out and show that I'm the tough winner in this, that's good for my ego. But my children pay the price.' For  every percent that you gain, those children lose ten-fold. Your measure of success is how much you can hurt the mother of your children. How sick does that sound to you?

Mark: Sounds horrible.

Dr. Phil: But that's exactly, precisely, what you're doing! Tell me that I'm wrong when I say that in your absolute heart of hearts you want to say 'I have been childish because you've hurt me with rejection. And I'm sorry.' Tell me that's how you feel.

Mark: That's exactly how I feel.

Dr. Phil: Then tell her. Man up right now and tell her!

Mark did. He apologized to his wife and even cried.

Ginny shares her story....

This morning, I received a long, heartfelt e-mail from a hurting yet strong-in-Christ mother who's estranged from her two sons. With her permission, I'm sharing her letter in hopes that her testimony and prayer request will help someone who else finds this blog...

"My story is so much like yours except I have two teenaged boys. I’m sure my story is on the same lines as the majority of others in this situation. It was not my desire for them to live with their father; their father made it known that his children would not live in an apartment since he wanted the house. He threatened to take me to court over them, but I could not put them in the position of having to choose between two parents they love. Regardless of their ages (14 and 15), they would either have to verbally or write down who they wanted to live with in front of a judge so I left. 

As you were active in your son's life, I, too, was active in both my children’s activities. My children will speak to me but only when they want me to buy them something. Or if I ask a question, I get a one word answer or a shoulder shrug. The oldest is the most voice-full and disrespectful; the younger is distant and silent. I’ve kept a journal of incidents between us, and I think how could we have gone from that to this? Their father has not encouraged them in anyway to spend time with me, and, of course, as in most divorces, talks negatively about the one who left. The negative talk doesn’t hurt anyone except the children, regardless of their age. 

I have no clue when it comes to their school grades except from the school’s website. Not a clue about their football or baseball games or anything except what I find out on my own or through friends. There was one case when my youngest was playing basketball for a different church. It just so happened that one of my coworkers was talking about how he enjoyed watching my son and his athletic abilities. I had to act like I knew all about it; come to find out, I had missed over five games. So I got a schedule from the church he was playing with and went to the rest of his ballgames. However, his father would sit outside in his truck because I was there. Because of this, my son asked me not to attend any of his baseball games. Of course, I could go on and on with incidents like these.
 
However, I have learned that this storm in my life is a blessing in its own way. It has taken my children’s actions to bring me to my knees before the Lord. The Lord did give me a verse as a confirmation, Psalms 1:3.* So I’m asking for a prayer chain for children of all ages, not just mine, for healing hearts, reconciliation, to put positive influential Christians in their paths and for parents in our situation, to be praying warriors for our children. If two or more are in prayer before the Lord, imagine hundreds or thousands!"


*And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

Prayer partners who share

Through this blog, I've made many new friends, though I'm sorry and sad for the circumstances that link us. Still, I'm grateful and honored that you've trusted me enough to share your heartaches and asked me to pray with you. Thank you.

Along the way, my friends here sometimes share something with me, like a resource or a thought. A few weeks ago, P.S. (#17 on our Prayer List) sent me an e-mail: "This devotional made me think of you, Sheryl." The link took me to the "New Living Translation Women's Devotional" for July 11th. The devotional has since been replaced with the current week's. But with permission from Tyndale House Publishers, I've reposted the devotional below. I hope it helps you in some way. Thank you, P.S.!

NOTE: You can sign up for the women's weekly devotionals here. I did! The webpage also offers devotionals for men, teens, parents, and leaders.

Endurance       
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  Hebrews 12:1      

"There are times when we feel completely alone. We feel as if no one has ever experienced what we've gone through. No one could possibly know the agony of watching your child suffer from leukemia. No one could possibly know the pain of having your husband walk out on you. No one could possibly know the fear of being diagnosed with breast cancer. But you know what? There are women that have experienced the same thing. They have run the same race.

We are surrounded by women who have struggled through situations and spent countless nights crying to God for strength. They are witnesses to God's love and grace. They are witnesses to the life of faith. How did they manage to survive?

They didn't do it alone. We aren't made to live this life alone. God has given us people in our lives to run the race of life with us. This race isn't a sprint but a marathon. For anyone who has ever run a marathon, there are moments of highs and even more moments of lows. Everyone finds a point where he or she is ready to give up. Weighed down by the insecurities and doubts that slow us down in this life, you begin to feel that you can't go any further. But you're not alone. You are surrounded by others who are in this same race and struggling with the same fears and pain. They run alongside you and encourage you, helping you finish the race.

Praise God that he hasn't left us alone. As women, we have a natural affinity for relationships. Don't be afraid to ask someone for help. Allow God to direct you toward women who will care for you. Try finding an older female to mentor you. Allow stories of her struggles and faith to comfort you. Then, look for ways that you can mentor to someone else. Women of faith, we need each other. Come alongside other women and run the race of faith together."